The Brighter 5: Five funny comedians start your day with a laugh

[July 29, 2021: Josh Shavit]

Here are today's five funny and insightful quotes to get you into your happy place. Enjoy!

"My parents are immigrants. Came here with no money. Not this welfare thing. Welfare’s luxury… They came to the airport naked. “Can we get on the plane? I don’t want to show you where my passport is.”"

"I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip flops for my feet. I said I wonder where were these made. Looked under the bottom. It said, "just around the corner."

"My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real."

"A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up."

"This girl asked me out one time. She told me she was an actress in porno movies. I’m like, “Alright, when do you want to go out?” She goes, “I’m working Tuesday and Wednesday. How about Thursday?” “Uh, how about Monday?”"

"It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy.""

Enjoy Jeff Ross roasting Justin Bieber

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