Can flirting with others damage your existing relationship?

Flirting may seem harmless, even flattering, when it targets your significant other. But new research reveals an unexpected consequence: it can weaken your bond rather than strengthen it.

According to a study in the Journal of Sex Research by Reichman University and the University of Rochester, observing unsolicited advances toward your partner could actually reduce your attraction and desire to invest in the relationship.

This phenomenon defies what’s known as “mate choice copying.” In both humans and animals, observing others desiring a potential mate often boosts that person’s appeal.

“When searching for a partner, people use social cues to identify desirable mates,” explains Gurit Birnbaum, lead author and professor of psychology at Reichman University. But the rules shift once a relationship is established.

Harry Reis, coauthor and professor at the University of Rochester, elaborates, “In established relationships, witnessing attention directed at your partner stirs concerns about mate poaching—competitors luring your partner away.”

The study explores the impact of unsolicited flirtation on committed relationships, focusing on how it alters perceptions and behaviors. Unlike mate choice copying, where attention enhances desirability, attention toward a current partner signals a risk of loss. This perception triggers defensive reactions designed to protect against potential rejection.

“When someone else flirts with your partner, it makes the risk of losing them more salient,” says Birnbaum. This can lead to emotional distancing, where individuals withdraw affection and reduce their investment in the relationship. “It’s a protective mechanism, a way to shield oneself from potential heartbreak,” she adds.

The researchers conducted three experiments involving Israeli participants in monogamous relationships. Using visualization, virtual reality (VR), and recall techniques, they simulated scenarios where partners received unsolicited advances. Each experiment measured participants’ sexual desire, mate retention efforts, and relationship investment.

The first experiment involved 244 participants who imagined their partner receiving flirtatious attention or having a neutral interaction.

Participants then described sexual fantasies involving their partner. Independent raters analyzed these narratives, noting the intensity of sexual desire and the prioritization of the partner’s pleasure. Lower ratings indicated emotional and sexual disengagement.

In the second experiment, 132 participants used VR headsets to observe their partner interacting in a virtual bar. The partner either faced flirtatious advances or neutral conversations. VR offered a controlled yet immersive environment to evoke real emotions like jealousy and possessiveness.

The final experiment asked 190 participants to recall real-life instances where someone expressed unreciprocated interest in their partner. Compared to neutral interactions, these memories consistently led to reduced desire and investment in the relationship, along with a heightened drive to deter rivals.

Across all three studies, participants exposed to flirtatious scenarios showed diminished attraction and effort in maintaining their relationships. The findings challenge the assumption that jealousy or external attention automatically strengthens romantic bonds.

The study highlights the risks of using jealousy as a relationship tactic. “Some people flirt with others to make their partner feel more desired,” Birnbaum notes. “Our research shows this strategy often backfires, weakening the very connection it aims to enhance.”

Reis concurs, emphasizing the need for healthier ways to maintain relationships. “Positive strategies, like quality time and acts of kindness, are far more effective,” he says. Negative tactics, such as controlling behaviors or seeking external validation, can erode trust and intimacy.

The study underscores how partner evaluation evolves beyond the initial stages of attraction. While social cues play a role in mate selection, their impact shifts within ongoing relationships. Understanding these dynamics could inform counseling approaches and relationship advice.

Funded by the Israel Science Foundation, the Binational Science Foundation, and the European Union’s Horizon 2020 program, the research provides new insights into how external influences shape romantic connections.

For couples, the message is clear: fostering trust and connection requires genuine engagement, not manipulation. “If you want your partner to remain happy with you, avoid behaviors that make them question the relationship,” advises Reis.

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